The Stiletto Clad Divorcee

The Jingle of Single

For as long as I can remember, I have had a love/hate relationship with the holiday season. 

Throughout my childhood, I sat in front of the tv, glued to "The Little Drummer Boy," The King Family and Bing Crosby Christmas specials, even the Norelco commercial and the precursor to the virtual fireplace on WPIX-TV, carols playing in the background.

Growing up Jewish, we had no tree laden with ornaments.  Christmas Eve was my parents' anniversary, often spent in New York City, sharing chestnuts, the windows at Saks, and the tree at Rockefeller Center. 

I have always been the proud owner of a romantic imagination, fueled by cheesy Christmas movies usually featuring a couple falling in love amidst the holiday lights in the Big Apple for feature films, some charming hometown for tv movies.

The downside to a writer's imagination is the unfulfilled expectation of the mistletoe which can send one under the covers, self-soothing with candy canes and the Hallmark Channel.

And we haven't even gotten to New Year's Eve!

We need the power of the TiVo, enough strong will to power through the mall jewelry store commercials where a mildly surprised girlfriend accepts a heart shaped pendant from her loving boyfriend in front of an adoring younger sister or cousin.

This year, I am going to step away from the candy canes and the cheesy holiday commercials.

(Deep inside, I may still harbor a teeny bit of hope for magic and mistletoe...and a kiss when the ball drops..)

There's always next year...

The Stiletto Clad Divorcee

 

Posted by The Stiletto Clad Divorcee on 11/26/2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

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The (Worldwide) Web of Deceit

Over the weekend, I added to the pretty healthy box office of "Social Network."  I am a pretty tech savvy chick.  (I am going off topic just for a moment.  According to my BFF, "Girl" does not quite describe my level of sophistication and je ne sais quoi..so I am open to suggestions for a replacement word!)

The internet has changed how we meet and how we socialize, especially for those of us who last went clubbing when the playlist included A Flock of Seagulls.  The advent of dating websites has presumably presented us with a slew of (eligible and desirable) possibilities.  Kind of like online shoe shopping.  Let's see...taupe pumps in a size 11?  6' tall educated gourmet film buff with a sense of humor?  Seems better than deflecting drinks from unwanted suitors in a smoky club filled with half dressed twenty-somethings...And certainly worth a shot...

Following my divorce,  I broke  out my credit card and started writing a witty and engaging profile on a fee based site.  I spend a couple months weeding through offers.  The chain of wink, message, e-mail, phone prior to meeting quickly became exhausting.  Weeding through the prospects, I did meet a few for various degrees of refreshments.  I ditched the guys who limited themselves to passing in cars at the drive through Starbuck's. Several guys informed me they were not in the market for anything more serious than an on demand booty call.  Next.  When I began to have repeat experiences, I decided to eschew the subscription fee in favor of a mani/pedi.   

One July evening, on reprieve from a writing assignment, I perused an online site, pleasantly surprised to find a New York businessman looking for a dinner companion, "no strings attached."  Nothing ventured...I write a witty response and hit "send."  NY businessman responds from his office e-mail.  Seems above board, no?  We chat back and forth.  He'll be in L.A the following Sunday.  I plan a delightful day complete with museum and dinner reservations.  We meet.  He's attractive, charming, well-dressed, and quite intelligent.  We spend a delightful day together and enjoy a lovely dinner overlooking the Pacific.  

He shares with me the tales of his divorce and how difficult it is to meet women in his industry because of "gossip."  I share some tales from my own "files."  I think the date is going swimmingly well.  NY guy tells me the day has been romantic and special.  Score one for the Gipper.

I'm a girl/woman/still looking for replacement word.  I'm also a writer which means following a good date, I have been known to write actual dialogue and scenes...Well, at the very least, I imagine the future. 

We text a bit the next day in between his meetings.  I'm not completely surprised when I don't hear from him upon his return to NY.  When I send him a text a few weeks later, he apologizes for not being in touch, as he has been in Europe all summer on business.  OK. 

Recently, I send him a Linkedin request.  He accepts.  Then, feeling bolder, I send a Facebook friend request which he also accepts.  I take a glance at his wall which has photos from his Parisian trip, maybe three weeks before we met.  In the photos, he has his arm around a blonde woman.  And there appears to be a wedding ring on his finger.

Oops.

I've been around the block enough to have gotten my share of scrapes and bruises.  Yet, I've always managed to maintain a trusting attitude.  Innocent until proven not-so-much.  In a pre-http:// world, we generally believed what we read in print.  But, the internet is the wild west.  Anything goes. 

Famed photographer Ansel Adams once said "Not everybody trusts  paintings but everybody believes photographs."  This clearly predated photoshop. The internet presents people the chance to photoshop their profile photos, past, and even relationship status. 

I've learned we need to strike a balance between trust and skepticism.  And to be on the lookout for ring finger tan lines and circumspect stories...

Happy Dating!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by The Stiletto Clad Divorcee on 10/06/2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Breakups, Bubble Baths, and September Issues

Breakups.  Bad breakups.  If you're a post-adolescent (or in some cases younger) female, you've invariably been through a fair share of chocolate gorging, crying on a girlfriend's shoulder, hysterics when you hear your song on the radio kind of breakups.  You probably have some kind of ritual.  Mine went like this.  Buy pint of Ben & Jerry's along with a bunch of fat fashion magazines.   I suspect I ended relationships in August just so I could assuage my pain with September issues.  For the non-fashionistas, September issues are those thick paens to Seventh Avenue, filled with lust-inducing clothes and accessories.  Bring ice cream, spoon, "Vogue" and self into steaming hot bubble bath.  Decide after a few spoonfuls and gaping at some fabulous dress to ditch the ice cream and hit the gym first thing in the morning.  Invariably meet another cute guy.  Repeat.

Ah, life was simple.

As a fairly recent divorcee, I can tell you frozen desserts, glossies, and bubbles don't go very far when you throw in attorneys and legalese. 

No matter who removed the ring first, ending a marriage is like a breakup on steroids.  For starters, you probably spent more years married than you did dating that cute Sigma Chi.  Lots of water under the bridge.  Even if the water was turbulent and choppy and you forgot the life vest.  Throw in a couple of kids and you're under extreme weather alert for years to come.

The dying embers of a long-done relationship take years to fully extinguish.  Admitting a marriage is over is a process.  How did I cope?  Writing helped me reconnect with who I am.  A whole lot of talking and advice from close friends and family helped with the transition.

Like any difficult experience, I've had my ups and downs.  The liberating feeling of being released from a painful relationship is priceless.  The sadness when you face down the emotional void which prevailed during the past decade and a half brings the lonelies no ice cream, magazine, or shopping spree can fill. 

I've read that getting over a breakup takes half the amount of time spent in a relationship.  Following a fifteen plus year marriage, I am hoping that's not the case.  I am in a good place.  I'm pursuing my passion and talents.  I have a wonderfully fulfilling new job as a staff writer on a website.  I'm lucky to have some incredible friends.  And my heart is filled with love for my daughters.

My advice to Elin and other women post breakup?  Give yourself permission to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry.  Surround yourself with good friends, favorite books, and an occasional perfect glass of wine.  Take care of yourself.  Reconnect with your passions.  A breakup is a fork in the proverbial road.  It's just part of the journey where you get to decide which way to turn. 

 

 

 

 

Posted by The Stiletto Clad Divorcee on 09/02/2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Eat, Pray, Love

 

A few years ago, my book club read Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert’s Oprah pick memoir which would go on to become a bible for post divorce women of a certain age.  As I read and discussed this tell all, I suspected I’d one day join the ranks.  I just didn’t know how soon.

By the time the trailer was being shown in the theaters and Julia Roberts began her extended promo spots on Oprah, I would be in midst of divorce. 

Divorce.  The legal dissolution of a marriage.  By the time the lawyers are called in, the relationship is long past resuscitation You wouldn’t dream of building a skyscraper on a bed of sand.  A marriage without love or intimacy can’t survive the high tide.

Sure, we all shed some tears at the breakup of what was or what we expected it to be.  Some marriages dissolve midstream.  Others never make it strongly out of the starting gate.

But when you start filing single tax returns, you also are given a shot at a new journey with an unknown destination.  Few of us are able to swing months abroad like Elizabeth Gilbert did.  If we do experience Eat, Pray, Love, it generally involves Ben & Jerry’s, J-Date, and a spectacular pair of stilettos.  But, we do get the chance to get reacquainted with who we were and who we want to be.

In the fourteen months since realizing my long suffering marriage had a DNR, I’ve time traveled back to the girl I once was. No, I haven’t started lifting clothes from my teenage daughter’s closet or dating guys in their 20s. But, I have kick started my writing career   And I’m comfortable as the independent, self-confident girl I used to be.

So, my journey hasn’t taken me to Italy, an ashram  in India, and a remote Balinese village. But I’ve reconnected with friends from my “previous” life, met some fascinating people, and had a few really good dates.  I don’t really know where I’ll end up but I’m excited about taking you along for the ride!

By the way, as I write this, I am in Paris, the most romantic city in the world...

Until then…

 

The Stiletto Clad Divorcee

Posted by The Stiletto Clad Divorcee on 08/16/2010 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

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If you had the chance to travel for a year, where would you go?

Definitely France, Italy, and Spain!
TypePad Conversations » Answer this question!

Posted by The Stiletto Clad Divorcee on 08/16/2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

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