Off The Market & In The Moment

Off the Market!

On July 1, 2010, I embarked on my own version of an Eat, Pray, Love year by nixing romantic love from my life.  I decided to go off the market. 365 days of vacation from relationships!  Flipped the "switch" to the off position. This cab is not picking up passengers. For those of you still not understanding, this means no trying to find or getting into a relationship for the next calendar year. 

Yes, you read correctly! 365 DAYS. If you know me, you’re probably asking WHY? since you know me as a serendipity-loving, white knight-wanting, hopeless romantic. And if you don’t know me, you’re probably asking WHY? because why would someone embark on what could become a suicide mission for future happiness? Because…  

Yet again, I’ve found myself stuck on the other side of the pasture, thinking of how green the grass must be with a great guy by my side (or at the least, just a date for the Labor Day wedding I’m in). And in that picture of tranquility, the guy I see happens to be one I’ve already dated. AND been dumped by already. And CONTINUE to wonder about….  

Now some of you may say it’s just the “what if’s” that accompany every failed attempt at love. I’ll have you know, I’m really good at relationships. Too good. As in (deep breath): get too excited, become too close too soon, proceed to lose perspective, promptly put too much pressure on both myself and the guy without trying type of good, and while freaking out myself (or more often than not, causing the poor guy to do so), I manage to miss the best part-truly enjoying another person in that moment.  


Before I get too sappy (and yes, this blog will be honest and as a result, honestly sappy from time to time), the moral of this year-long mission is two-fold: 1-to break the detrimental relationship habit of trying too hard and subsequently losing myself, and 2-to take a step back so as to keep from looking back. Because when I started thinking about how much time I invest while dating someone, the hours then spent analyzing and re-analyzing (and again, re-analyzing) after the door to our future shuts, and THEN wondering when Cupid would look kindly on me again, I finally realized that I was missing my own moment. So here I am virtually shouting from the no-access rooftop of my walk-up building in the  East Village (which is, of course, located next to a porn store): I am a 25-year-old single living in one of the greatest cities in the world! 

It’s time to act like it.  

I’m breaking free (cold turkey, I might add) from my relationship past and relationship future so I can find out how fabulous it is being single in the present. And yes, it's going to be hard and frankly, a little scary. Relationships are off-limits, but casual dating is allowed and encouraged (I’ve only been on ONE casual date in my life which hasn’t resulted in some sort of relationship-ONE!). But more importantly, the focus of the year is to get out of my head and away from my heart long enough to secure the foundation for that fun-loving, confident, doesn’t have a care in the world girl that I lose every time I get what I think I’m looking for.  


I’m off the market & in the moment!

*Want to read more? Follow me daily at http://offmarketinmoment.blogspot.com/

Non-Traditional??? Here comes the Green-Eyed Monster

Ok, so disclaimer first. This is a serial monogamist writing who  has been in a total of three serious relationships that each lasted a span of six months (long to some people) to three years (really long to some other people).

All were traditional. Exclusive. No iff's, and's or other people's butt's in the picture (couldn't resist that little pun).

I don't judge people who have non-traditional anything in life, let alone relationships. BUT, I do know myself well enough to know that I have a jealous streak that's ten miles long and just as wide. So if you're within my perimeters and intimately so, it's not going to be pretty if a two-some becomes more than that. Don't blame me-I'm Irish!

I'm still figuring out myself as I continue on this Off the Market & In the Moment journey, but I do know myself well enough to realize that when it comes to relationships, I will be traveling the traditional course. And if a guy comes along who I love but who feels differently? Well, we'll just have to see.

Never say never, I say. But then again, don't say I didn't warn you Mr. Whoever You Are!

I'm Off the Market & In the Moment!

Day 289-Let's Go Courtin'

I am pretty psyched. And I don't think I've ever used that phrase in my life! But I'm feeling pretty high after discovering that Off the Market & In the Moment is coming up as the first result in Google (at least when you input "off market in moment").

It's the little things that make you happy. So thanks to everyone for their support!

Another little thing that is making me happy is that a wonderful friend of mine is being courted. That's right, guys. COURTED. It's only just the beginning, but I have to say I'm already enjoying living vicariously through her experiences which include not only standards such as dinner and drinks but show tickets. You know things are going well when a guy puts forth the dollars for a show he wouldn't be caught dead at without you. 

It's just refreshing to hear about a guy who knows how to take a girl out on the town.

In these days where dating equals drinks and bar-hopping, which I admit has its own pleasures and purpose, dinner is appreciated. In addition, flowers are encouraged. It doesn't matter if you put in an order for an expensive bouquet or stopped by for a perky set of daisies from the corner (which I happen to love), the gesture is appreciated and never done enough. I don't care if the girl you're lovin' on these days says she's not into flowers and frills and romance. Show up with some anyway. Preferably, bring them when they're unexpected (aka not when you're begging forgiveness).

Other than shows, dinner, and flowers, watching this courtship makes me think of days long gone, when men had to ask permission to call on you before dropping by to sit on the porch and chat while sipping on ice tea. Blame it on my Southern roots, but while I certainly appreciate feminism and all the subsequent rights such as the right to choose whom to marry, I am nevertheless allured to those simpler times. No one came "calling" if he didn't have good intentions.

And if he wasn't interested in a relationship, he didn't pretend to court either. Instead of sitting on some gal's porch for two weeks in hopes of "gettin' some," he could just head down to the local bar to buy a beer and other services. No need for confusion or hurt feelings.

But if he did show up on that porch with faulty intentions? Talk about being held accountable... by the barrel of a shotgun.

I'm now thinking, who needs flowers when you have armed backup? Now, THAT is one part of courtship I really miss.

I'm Off the Market & In the Moment!

 

 

It's Not Just Me

If you haven’t noticed from past posts, I'm can be a little hard on myself. For instance, I often go down a path of thinking that I’m the sole party at fault when a relationship doesn’t work; I’m the only one who doesn’t have her life figured out yet; and I have to be the last person I know that hasn’t figured out in-the-momentness. As a result, I just relish in a good reminder from an outside source instructing me to get over myself already! For instance, one of my best (married) guy friends recently sent me a quote from his corporate newsletter that had Off the Market & In the Moment posting potential. I was intrigued:

 "Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment." --Swami Kriyananda, formerly J. Donald Walters, American spiritual leader, author and composer 

Great quote and definitely on point with my year. But even more interesting is that it was sent from a company with almost 50,000 employees, a huge percentage of which are male and even better, many of which make up a large part of the dating pool in NYC.

So in the spirit of Swami Kriyananda, I'm making a decision to be happy this moment. Happy that it’s not just me (or my gender) who needs weekly reminders to live in the present. I’m Off the Market & In the Moment!

To follow my daily adventures, check out http://offmarketinmoment.blogspot.com/

My biggest fashion disaster while on a date? That takes some digging...

My biggest fashion disaster while on a date? That takes some digging into the old memory bank. There are either two reasons that I, Off the Market Girl that I am, can't remember:

1-Because it's so awful that I have blocked it from my memory altogether.

2-Because I haven't let myself date around enough to rack up enough moments for such a disaster to occur!

Despite my tendency to be a casual dresser rather than a fashionista (hey, I'm working on it!), my educated guess is that reason #2 is the most likely culprit.

In truth, I just haven't been on many dates other than dinner or drinks with someone I was already in a relationship with. Let's face it. In college, dating consists of "hanging" out and in my school, we did most of our hanging out in comfy jeans and sorority t-shirts. I think I've only been on a few outings since and again, with guys I more or less was official with. Kinda sad? I think so if for no other reason that dating, in all of its glory, good and bad, is a confidence builder. At the best, dating results in excitement, anticipation, chemistry, and potential. At their worst? Hopefully, a decent meal which in my foodie mind, can never make for a bad day.

Can you tell I'm wishing for some action here? Being Off the Market & In the Moment is not as easy as it looks!

Before I start a "woe is me" rant, back to the question at hand. Because really, with the right guy, does fashion even make or break you? I've had some of my best--and longest, for that matter--dates after getting stuck in torrential downpours (oh, the irony of Cupid...) when I had hair plastered to my head and rain boots were the only foot attire I felt comfortable leaving the apartment in. Frankly, a bad weather date is not worth sacrificing a good pair of shoes for!

So while there's something to be said for looking and feeling you're best, I salute those of you with horrible, no good fashion disasters. You're out there getting some battle scars, but I hope you're proud of yourselves regardless of whether your Spanx gets stuck in your tights, you sweat through your silk, or you have a bra malfunction (though I do think that would be the worse of the three as a well-endowed woman myself).

You're a survivor!

I'm Off the Market & In the Moment!

Love Andrea Syrtash, life coach and relationship expert, and her very important quote which just posted on FB:

"I'm still mad at Jerry Maguire. Be whole, be happy, be complete -- that's when great love is possible."

Check Andrea and her great book out at http://andreasyrtash.com/

Head vs. Heart. Which to follow?

My yearlong countown of being Off the Market contines, and today, I'm talkin' head vs. heart.  That was the jist of this  Downtown Dharma piece. Let me first say that I LOVE my weekly dose of this blog. It’s honest, well-written, witty, and most importantly, thought-provoking. Ilana does her research with top thinkers in the city and as a result, has been featured on sites such as Huffington Post and Psychology Today. It’s definitely worth subscribing for a good weekly read.

I’m an overanalyzer to the core, just like Downtown Dharma, so this piece of course tugged at my heart-or is it my head? Already, it’s confusing. Yet, I wanted to share…

THE PROBLEM WITH THINKING
Posted by admin in Downtown Dharma
Sometimes I feel like the chatter in my head can fill Yankee Stadium. Friends and mentors have tried to help with the Snap Out of It! approach, instructing me in rather loud, startling tones to stop thinking so much. Love the concept, but it’s not so easy.

I’ve always over analyzed situations growing up. I was a Psych major for that very reason. Well, that plus four years of free therapy. Women are infamous for over-thinking, obsessing about “Why didn’t he call?” Or “Should I buy these shoes?” Or “I hate these shoes I bought but all I can think about is why didn’t he call!”

Okay, we’re deeper and smarter than that. But now we’re told our best decisions are NOT made in our heads, and that we simply can’t think through our problems. I’ve actually had one friend tell me to make decisions from my Vahoohoo (her word, not mine!), but that’s just bizarre.

Life coach

Kristina Leonardi puts it this way: “Our guts and hearts are like hard drives, our minds the software. We need to let our centers do the heavy lifting and lead the way. But like any other muscle, you need to exercise love, intuition and trust in yourself on a regular basis. Then, little by little you grow stronger and more confident in order to let that part of you run the show, instead of your brain.”

Just listening to her say that makes me feel better and lighter. So, I recently attended Leonardi’s support group for people in career transition. They all had the same issue: ruminating about their next professional move.

Ahem. I’ve been there before.

Eckhart Tolle says, “Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don’t realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it’s considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from being. It also creates a false mind-made self that casts a shadow of fear and suffering.”

Enough with the chatter, he says. He justifies this advice with smart arguments: Thought is only a tiny aspect of our intelligence. It does not and should not rule the day. “All the things that truly matter – beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace – arise from beyond the mind.”

Jesus, is he gifted or what? Credit Oprah for this guy. That woman knows how to find ‘em.
Leonardi explains that becoming totally present allows us to know what feels right as a next step at any given moment. To get there, she recommends doing the following at least once a week:

• Do something physical, preferably an activity that requires some concentration and skill, or even simple manual labor.
• Be creative with your hands: paint, knit, cook or throw pottery.
• Journal to get the thoughts out of your head and out onto the paper.
• Play with animals or small children.
• Disconnect from technology and spend time in nature.

These are all doable ideas, yes? So today, I’m going to sun it up at a friend’s pool, not thinking about what I should be doing tomorrow.

Instead, I’ll concentrate on my breaststroke…and lead with my heart.

Ok, how great was that? Of course, now I’m sitting here having read that post several times over trying to what to listen to. I have two things that have been pulling on my heart for some time. Of course, one of these things is my most recent ex, the catalyst for this year. I can only assume he had a freak out as a lot of 25-year-old's do. One day, we're great. Another, he's distant then gone. It's an old story, I know. And I also know that I should let him go if he's not ready. You can't force things. Yada, yada, yada.

But deep down, I keep thinking that if I could JUST talk to him...we had a really good thing.

Some days, I'm resisting my gut urge so much that I have to mentally tie myself to my chair, my thoughts enumerating the reasons I shouldn’t act on either as FEAR, REJECTION, and TIMING convince me what I want won’t work out.

This week is such a week. My heart and head are at war, and I’m stuck waiting for a cease fire.

But I’m a firm believer in “if you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything.” So until both sides calm down, I’m going to work on being totally present like Leonardi explains. Thankfully, I am knocking out a few of her weekly to do’s already:

• Do something physical, preferably an activity that requires some concentration and skill, or even simple manual labor. Finally back to dance! Also attempting my first hot yoga class this week…stay posted on whether I survive.
• Journal to get the thoughts out of your head and out onto the paper. Blog=journal.
• Play with animals or small children. E has a puppy named Bella who routinely rejuvenates me. And, I’m babysitting next week!

As for the other ideas…

• Be creative with your hands: paint, knit, cook or throw pottery. Oh jeez…this is not my forté. Must look for class…
• Disconnect from technology and spend time in nature. I’m thinking of taking a Facebook hiatus so it may be time. Time to train it to Long Beach again. Done and done.

That’s a lot of work from the one post, but in addition my friend K (and bachelorette #2 who I will be celebrating with on Saturday!) gave me another challenge, suggesting that every day I try to do something out of the ordinary. It’s a little exercise in being uncomfortable and putting myself out there. Because talking to one of the deli cuties, eating lunch solo, or standing in front at dance class, instead of my usual back left corner spot, is not going to alter my life in any tremendous way. There’s little risk in the practice but the reward may serve in building that heart muscle Leonardi talks about, the ability to “exercise love, intuition and trust in yourself on a regular basis.”

I want my heart to win the war.

I’m off the market & in the moment!

*Want to read more? Follow me daily at http://offmarketinmoment.blogspot.com/

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