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When a second chance isn't an option

Betty Confidential wanted us to talk about if we would give an ex a second chance.

Right now, I can honestly say no. And it's not because my ex is a jerk or a bad guy or did something terrible. But the truth is that for almost the last 10 months or year we were together, it was full of chances. Chances for him to meet me in the middle about our future, chances to take risks, chances to be honest with me and himself about his fears and needs, and chances for us to take a break to figure things out.

In the end, I made a choice to end it because I was tired of waiting for change, I was tired of waiting for him to take a chance, to take a risk, to take the plunge (into life) with me. And in the days immediately following our split, even though I missed him and the thought of not talking to my best friend every day, and the idea of going from near engagement and moving in to breaking up was devastating, I knew there would be no second chances.

It's now been three months since the breakup. We talk every week or so, but I think I feel it in his voice and and I know I feel it...that things aren't meant to be for us as a couple. What would a second chance mean anyway? Moving in together wasn't going to fix us, getting engaged wasn't going to fix us. Our differences and life plans ran deeper than that.

I feel like I've given plenty of second chances...they just happened to be during our relationship. Now, maybe it's time we give ourselves a second chance to be us -- without each other.

 

When are you really "over it"?

Some people say you need the half the time you were in a relationship to get over a breakup. Some people say it's as long, some people say a third. Clearly there is no one answer here. But more importantly, what is "over it" and how do you know when you're there?

Is it only when you stop thinking about them romantically, or is it when you stop thinking about them at all? Is it when you no longer dream about them, but still miss their voice? Is it when you can't remember what it felt like with their arms around you and you no longer ache for it, or just when you don't picture them when kissing someone else? Is it when you kiss someone else?

What about when you go to bed at night, and you lay there trying to remember all the good times, and suddenly, it's not so sad anymore...just another part of your life?

When did you realize you were finally "over" someone? How long did it take?

No more drama

After dealing with some unnecessary and wild drama from a guy I didn't even date recently, I'm very quick to be annoyed at the slightest bit of game playing. So when I decided to attend a friend of a friend's birthday party at one of the city's swank clubs, I knew that a guy I had recently gone on a couplef of outings with would be there, and was ready to see how it would go.

Sure enough, there was some game playing on his end, which was entirely uncalled for, and at first, I let it bother me, and then I decided it wasn't worth it and I was there to have a good time. I talked to other guys, danced, drank, and generally enjoyed myself.

I know it's impossible to avoid all game-playing and drama, but I don't think it's too much to ask from mature adults. There shouldn't be any strings attached after a couple of dates that don't go anywhere. There shouldn't be grudges held if you can't hang out or don't want to for that matter.

As I continue on the Match.com journey and am meeting new people in general, I'm going to be on the lookout - no drama! I don't want it, and I don't need it.

1 in 5 people meet online now

Apparently that's the stat for relationships for these days, according to the commercials. As a coworker was saying, it's kinda like how in the 50s and 60s going on blind dates wasn't exactly the norm, but then it became old hat. Now, there are more opportunities to meet people online than there are at work, school, a bar, etc.

So a few weeks ago, I had joined match.com, and then freaked out at the first email notifications of winks, and deactivated. But a few days ago I thought I would give this another shot, and so far, it's been okay. So far, I also haven't met anyone in person.

It's cheesy in some ways (Joe575 has winked at you!), and giddy-feeling inducing in others (OMG, look at his adorable dog and he likes Sinatra too!). The hard part will be a) getting the ones you want to respond to you, and b) figuring out that next step from emailing a few times to actually meeting up.

One friend said that after a week of emailing, she and her now boyfriend of three years were like, screw it, let's get dinner...and there ya go. But another coworker has been on match.com for years, and has been on so many dates she's lost count...and still going. One of my best friends recently married her husband, whom she met on eharmony. So it clearly works. Also, the commercials say so.

Anyway, I guess when millions of other people are on there saying things like "this is new to me, not quite sure what I'm doing," then it's a little easier to push forward. Here goes six months of paid headhunting/datehunting!

Have you tried online dating? What were the results? Did you find yourself looking at their profiles first, or deciding interest based on photos?

Is it really like this? (Below)

 

Over the past 10 years if you could identify one defining moment what would that be?

Q: Over the past 10 years if you could identify one defining moment what would that be?

A: When I decided in high school that I wanted my stepdad to adopt me. I had been calling him Dad for 10 years already, and nearly 10 years later, it's still life-changing. The moment I became Jenna Sauber I will remember forever - thanks, Dad. I love you. You've made me believe in myself so much more than if you had not come into my life.

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It should be easy

In the car on the way home from the airport on Thursday back in Ohio, I was giving my dad the update on my venture into the dating world again in the past month. I told him how I slammed on the brakes the second I thought it was getting too much (after two dates, no less), and how I felt it was harder for me to date now than it had been years ago in college. Theoretically he said, it should be easier, right? More things to do in DC, more people to meet, more maturity, etc.

Yes. All true. But what about my fears and my new-found baggage from my four-year relationship, my desire to find the One, but not yet, not right now? My dad pointed out to me that I was being too quick to judge - not just the guys I meet, but myself. He basically said the same thing a gal I met last week said, to cut myself some slack.

Well that's the hard part. I'm always thinking, analyzing, wondering, protecting myself, hoping, defending, and watching. I want so much to just go out there, have fun, do stuff and not think about it being too much or too little, too early or too late. It should be easy, right?

My new mantra: cut yourself some slack!

Ok, so I'm NOT ready for this

A couple of forays back into the dating world, and I was already slamming on the breaks. No creepers, no bad experiences, no breakdowns and crying about my ex -- I am just not ready to do this yet.

A classic tale of, "It's not you, it's me" after only two dates with a perfectly normal, cute, cultured guy who shared the same musical interests and love of dogs? Yes, unfortunately. Bad timing like whoa.

As I've said before, I will take this day by day. Next week I may feel like I'm ready to go on another date, but then a week later, I may change my mind. Something to be expected after a four-year relationship? Yes. And it's ok, I keep telling myself. Okay to think I'm ready, and then realize I'm not. Okay to still meet people and hang out with people and even kiss people. And then okay to say no, no, this is too much.

One day at a time.

And for all the in between years

Ol' Blue Eyes says in one of his most beloved songs, "When somebody needs you/it's no good unless she needs you all the way/through the good or lean years/and for all the in between years come what may."

I've loved Sinatra since I was about 12 years old, and now more than ever, his songs have so much meaning in my life. In the last two months, I've ended a four-year relationship with someone whom I loved more than anyone, "broken up" with a friend that I've known for 13 years, and started to truly understand after nearly 26 years what it means to love or be loved "all the way."

These are the in between years for me. Technically, I hope it's only months, or maybe a year or two max. But it's neither a good or lean year - it's just that  - in between. New opportunities at work, new people in my life, old people moving out of my life, and my parents perhaps moving across the country and the state I called "home" will no longer be such. In the next year or two, I may  move again myself, I may change jobs,  and I may or may not fall in love again. There will be drama, there will be hugs, and kisses, and crying, and hopefully lots of laughter. There will be moments when I just want to hide by myself and tell everyone to go away and leave me alone, and there will be days where all I want is someone to wrap their arms around me and never let go. There will be people who call me too often, too little, or not at all. I will call people too often, too little, or not at all.

These are my in between years. Who knows where the road will lead us? Only a fool will say. But whatever it is, and wherever it is, I will do it all the way.

Mine, yours, not ours yet

Someone I follow on Twitter posted this article the other day about the 5 things guys hate about single woman. I quickly read over the list and knew without a doubt that I was extremely guilty of #2. After some conversations I've been having with friends and coworkers recently, I know I'm not the only one. Here's what it said:

Over-the-top independence. Surprised? It's not that men want to go back to the Stone Age, but they do want to be able to indulge in a little chivalry without a knee-jerk chorus of "I can do it myself"s. "Single women have done such a good job at creating their lives to not need a man, so that when one comes along, they don't have any time for him," said John, 35-year-old now-married professor from Florida.

In this day and age, as the marriage age rises, the lengths of our serious relationships increase, and women become more sure of themselves and let go of those traditional views of dating and love, it's a lot easier for us to keep on being our independent selves...even when a guy comes along.

For instance, I have a friend who has been dating someone just for a few months, and her biggest struggle is balancing her need to have alone time and space and wanting to spend time with someone she likes and who wants to be with her. She's in her mid-3os, so she's been independent for a long time, and this is a change for her.

Meanwhile, I have another friend who is about to hit the big 25, and has been in a serious relationship with her boyfriend for a couple of years, and she's starting to feel an itch for space and excitement. She wants nights alone, time to decompress alone, a glass of wine - alone. Here here, sister!

And as for me, although I was in a relationship for four years, most of that was long-distance, so basically, I was living as if I was single and independent. I opened my own doors, made my own meals, looked after me. Sure, some of my schedule revolved around when I would talk to my boyfriend, or our vacation plans, but in general, it was all about me. But that changes when you start dating again - especially someone in your city. They want to do things for you, order your dinner for you, pick you up and drop you off, plan dates, and see you a few times a week.

But what if we just are used to doing everything alone? What now?

It's a big difference juggling the alone time vs. dating time now than when I was in a long-term relationship. It felt natural then, part of the routine, comofortable. And now, I feel possessive of my time, of my tasks, of my schedule, of my likes and dislikes, secrets, and skills. "They're mine!" I think in so many instances. And that's what my friends are feeling too.

How do you balance your independence when dating someone? What do you keep as "yours" and what do you share more easily?

So long ago, yet so recent

Today I had lunch with a friend from college who was in the city for a job interview. For the first 15 minutes, we talked about him and his girlfriend, some other mutual friends from school, and random other "how are you?" type questions.

And then, the question.

"How is D___?"

And suddenly, I was right back in the throes of breakup memories and feeling the mixture of disappointment, frustration, and sadness. I had kinda hoped my friend had figured it out, but then again, I hadn't exactly plastered the news all over the place or called everyone in my phone book. And of course, this is bound to happen a few more times over the next several months, so I should be used to it by now.

But it still hit me a little hard, especially because we were talking about my friend's own plans for an engagement in the next year, and those of our other friends. It hurts still. It hurts to remember that I could have been engaged at this point, could have been planning for my boyfriend to move in with me in just a few weeks, planning for a wedding happening next year.

As I gave my friend the very quick run-down, I reminded myself and him that this was for the best, and that being single was liberating and what I needed. It was the weirdest of feelings though, as if I had broken up with D___ eight months ago and not almost two. Yet at the same time, it felt like it was yesterday. It was as if the mere question of asking about someone who had once been a daily part of my life, woke me out of this insane adrenaline rush I've been feeling for the last few weeks as I've gone out with friends, met new ones, drank too much, and danced not enough. It was like, "Oh yeah...that happened."

And then, "that happened for a reason." And life goes on. One day at a time.