KblogsBetty

Every Day is Halloween?

We all adapt ourselves to different social situations. I think it's a necessary tool for survival, regardless of anyone's opinions on honesty and deception. Sometimes we have to blend, impress, stand out, make nice. 

Even without the obvious social cues that prompt this adaptation, we would naturally disguise certain personality quirks in different situations. In my case, I'm always two completely different people at work and in the social world. 

When I started my new job, I got the nickname of the "quiet one." Now if you told all my friends this, they would never, ever believe you. They would roll around laughing at the mere suggestion of me being remotely quiet. But at work, especially a new job, I am shy, reserved, and polite. Outside of work, I am...not.

But these traits are important to the settings we find ourselves in. If I was loud, blunt, and crazy at work, my boss might not take me seriously. If I was timid and quiet with friends, we wouldn't have so much fun. So I say: wear your disguises proudly! It's always fun to be different people.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends...

This is an interesting, and relevant, topic for the week, considering everything that has been going on in my life lately.

A friend told me last night that it was a "bad thing" that I didn't open up to people about things. I was insulted at first--I don't come from the school of thought that believes in talking every single thought and emotion to death. Then I thought about it, and compared my best friend and I's different handlings of our recent breakup.

My best friend, on the minimum, makes a short remark about his ex daily. There is at least one drawn-out, sorrowful rant about her. There are recounts of every dream in which she is even the most minimal factor. There are taboo songs, words, movies, etc. because they bring back terrible memories of their short-lived happiness. Her name is a four-letter word (both literally and figuratively).

On the other hand, I have taken the road less traveled. When my ex and I broke up in July, and I had to move home from California, only the most important people in my life were notified, and even then it was more of a heads-up, I'm coming back to Jersey sort of thing. They asked questioned, I provided the least amount of detail possible. They comforted, I overdid the bravado or ignored their help completely. I cut off any conversation even remotely related to my feelings about the break-up.

I'm not sure that the avoidance tactic is the best approach for my emotional state. I was raised in a family that propagated Tylenol for any kind of ache or pain. I rely on my friends in times of need for laughter, for self-esteem boosts, and for general company. But even to my best and closest friends and family, pouring my heart out just feels unnatural.

My friends that understand this part of me have been great. When I met up with an old high school friend and reluctantly (and briefly) described why I was home, her immediate response was to order me a shot and change the subject. Now that's a girl after my own heart.

What is non-traditional these days?

I'm not the world's biggest relationship person, but when I am in one, I'm largely traditional. Despite the fact that my jealous side would totally squash any chance of an open anything, I think the facets of dating and relationships are getting more and more troubling with each generation.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type to judge what other people do in their own relationships. But I know for me, the concept of commitment is pretty cut and dry. If you didn't want to be exclusive with someone, then why be in any kind of relationship? Just call it what it is--casual, non-exclusive dating.

I have heard stories from friends about this kind of relationship, in where the guy forces non-exclusivity but realizes how much he wants the girl in the end. Yeah, after he's been through everyone else and gets tired of running game every other night. Call me a cynic, but if a guy wanted to be with you, he shouldn't need a procession of multiple girls to figure it out.

Maybe it's one of those things, like you can't say you hate mustard if you've never had it. I wouldn't know a non-traditional relationship or how it works, but i don't intend to find out soon, either.

Second chances for ex-boyfriends?

I am all for forgive and forget. Okay, maybe not forget, but definitely forgive. I have a long track record of getting back together with an ex after a substantial amount of time has passed. One in particular has been recurring for 7 years now.

This guy, let's call him "James," entered my life during my freshman year of high school. He didn't go to my school--in fact, he lived 40 minutes away. We met through mutual friends one day, and there was instantaneous attraction. There was also the huge problem of neither of us being able to drive, so our romance blossomed through phone calls and AIM conversations. Needless to say that didn't work out so well. We parted ways for the first time after a few months.

Next time around (2 years later), we had got to talking for whatever flimsy reason you want to choose. He was staying in a beach town near me for the last month of summer, and it seemed like fate. We had exactly one good week, going to the beach and cuddling at night, until one day he started acting sketchy--little things at first, then completely bailed on our plans for the night. Unruffled, I went to the boardwalk with some friends. Wonder of wonders, who did I see strolling along, holding another girl's hand? End round two.

That little debacle had created a broad buffer that lasted until my second year of college. At this point, I'm not even sure who initiated the conversation or how it all went, but we recreated a high school romance and tried to adapt it to the adults we were. In some ways, this ended up better than any other time, considering the time that had passed and the extent to which we had grown up. Downside: I lived in California and he was still in Jersey. All seemed okay, however, because I was coming home in 2 months. Until I found out he lied about his...conquests (for lack of a better word) during our brief romance.

A sane person would be done with someone at this point. But believe me when I say this boy's powers of apology and persuasion are great, especially when one is coming off of a horrendous relationship and just needs a little bit of familiarity.

So back again, 2 weeks after the confession, we forgave and forgot. At this point I was about a month away from home. He came to see me the first week I got back, and we had an amazing night--probably one of the best we've ever spent. But conversations started to slow, and we couldn't find time to see each other, so it fizzled out, in a somewhat hostile manner. 

Fast forward to present day. Fresh off of a year long relationship, I moved from California to Jersey and lo and behold, my favorite ex's radar that tells him I'm single went off, because he got in contact with me again. I told him we had to be strictly friends--of course a notion that lasted all of one week. He turned the tables on me, though, when he told me we should go back to being friends and that he had met someone else. I was far from crushed--I didn't want to start in the drama after everything I had been through with my other ex. But we still talk as friends, which is a good step up from all of our other romantic hiatuses. 

I would be lying if I said I was done with him for good. But I know for now, friends is the right way to go. Should I have taken him back every time I did? Probably not. But would I know everything I know now if I hadn't? Definitely not.

Bully or Bullied?

I had my share of bully torture in middle school--being in accelerated math and on the academic team will definitely warrant that. I never thought of myself as a bully. But a friend brought up a story to me when we were explaining our long-running friendship that destroyed my previous notions of behavior.

In fourth grade (yes I started my bullying career young), my best friend Crista and I were in the same class. We did everything together those days. But as she loves to remind me, I wasn't always the nicest friend. I used to make her call me every day before school to inquire as to whether we could be friends that day. Depending on my mood, any previous squabbles, or just because I felt like it, I would say no or yes. A negative response meant she had to sit at another table, not speak or pass notes to me, and could not hang out in my immediate vicinity at recess. More often than not I would say yes, but as Crista reminds me on the days I said no, my reasoning was usually to drag up some dormant argument or to simply say "Because." I was obviously very mature in fourth grade.

Regardless of my targeted bullying, Crista and I have remained the best of friends. I feel like my karmic payback came in the form of the fourth grade presidential election, in which Crista defeated me by a small margin. (However, I still believe the fact that she had passed out animal crackers to the class may have helped a bit). I learned my lesson--bullying was too much work.

The Ups and Downs of Singledom

For a very long time, I loved being single. I was meeting new people all the time, without the drama of commitment. I loved being able to do what I wanted and not answering to a boyfriend about it.
I wasn't a big fan of being in a relationship just to be in a relationship. If I dated someone exclusively, it was because I really cared about them. The shortage of that caused me to be single for a few years.

I dated a guy briefly in college who re-affirmed everything I loved about being single--long story short, it did not work out and I happily retreated from the headache of that relationship back to the single life, thinking that I'd be rather be an old maid than be in that position ever again.

And then came another boy, who changed all my preconceived notions and turned a "me" and "him" into an us so quickly my head spun. I was suddenly the biggest supporter of couples everywhere. Six months passed with no problems, and we moved into together shortly before our one year anniversary. I was completely happy--until I wasn't.

And so here we are, back to being single, but without all the glitz and glamour of the pre-relationship single glow. Now I understand relationships better, and it makes being single hard sometimes. But it is also easier to find what I want. Both being single and being in relationships will teach you about yourself--what kind of person you are and what kind of person you want. 

Question of the Week: Caught Red-Handed?

As always, I have a few anecdotes I can share with Betty about this question. As I pondered which to re-live, my friend unknowingly gave me one that is somewhat unique. Although I do have my share of stories about catching a boyfriend cheating on me, and being caught in precarious conversations or situations myself, I decided to go against the typical answer on this one a bit--as a third party observer and ultimately a direct part in a cheating scandal.

Back in the day (about 3 years ago), I had a best friend with whom I had grown very close with in a short amount of time. He was (and still remains to be) one of the best guy friends I have ever had. He has been somewhat unlucky with the ladies (because he always chooses girls who are below him, in my somewhat biased opinion), but he began dating a girl that I actually approved of, in the beginning. She was a friend of mine, and they seemed mutually good for each other, not to mention crazy for each other.

I was happy for him, as a friend should be. Unfortunately, this characteristic of good friendship dissolved as certain events occurred and the lines became blurred between right and wrong. He cheated on this girl with another girl (also a good friend of mine) who he previously dated. This ex of his is manipulative, and not to mention somewhat of an alcoholic, so I can imagine the circumstances under which she seduced him to momentarily abandon his impeccable morals. She told me immediately after.

So the question arose: Where did my loyalty lie? Did I owe it to my best friend to keep his secret, let him work it out like I knew he could? Did I owe it to his girlfriend, my new friend, to inform her, hopefully tactfully, of his indiscretion so they could work it out and she wasn't playing the fool? Did I owe it to my other good friend, who was in retrospect not a good friend at all, who in fact stole multiple boys from myself and others, to expose the boy and destroy a relationship? Should I have gotten involved at all?

Probably not. But we all go through the phase of thriving on drama, and as much as I relished in the sordidness of it all, it turned my stomach to see such blatant disregard of people's feelings. I admit, the events that occurred next do not make me reflect back in pride. I instead continue to be ashamed of my immaturity and deceitfulness, and complete lack of respect and friendship.

But anyway. It was the night of the girlfriend's birthday. For some dumb teenage reason, I was cordially uninvited to the party, most likely because of my association with the "other woman" (who the girlfriend already distrusted, despite being unaware of the tryst). In accordance with dumb teenage behavior, we decided to show up and blow my friend's cover and expose the short affair. We arrived, made a scene, and made some not-so-subtle hints. My guy friend realized what the plan was, and decided to tell his girlfriend what happened before we could throw him under the bus. She left in tears at 1 o'clock in the morning.

Needless to say, my friend refused to speak to me or listen to my pleading apologies. I admit, my morality challenged my friendship loyalty because cheating is wrong in ANY circumstance. We eventually reconciled, and are probably better friends because of it. But catching him "red-handed" and exposing it for our group of friends has had lasting effects, including the termination of two friendships that never really recovered. My guy friend and I re-lived this event the other night, and I confessed to him how I always felt like karma was waiting to pay me back for destroying his relationship. He consoled me by telling me he deserved to be caught red-handed, which is nice to hear regardless of the truth behind it.

 

Moral of the story? Despite the depravity of cheating, it's best to stay out of other people's business.

BettyConfidential Question of the Week: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

I have always been one for the "benefit of the doubt" philosophy. Not because I think people can change, but the issue of cheating is almost always situational. If someone is in a mindset that they can't be monogamous, they will cheat on every one of their girlfriends. However, I have been the girl that a serial cheater did not cheat on. I have also been the girl that a "never-before" cheater has cheated on. If something is wrong in the relationship, the risk of cheating is always present (which, by the way, is NOT an excuse).

For me, trust issues are important without even bringing past infidelity into it. If I was dating someone had cheated on his ex, I would be a bit wary. There would be that underlying paranoia, I admit. But I usually have gut feelings, and if it's worth it, I would go for it. Everyone has a past, and everyone makes mistakes.