Breakups. Bad breakups. If you're a post-adolescent (or in some cases younger) female, you've invariably been through a fair share of chocolate gorging, crying on a girlfriend's shoulder, hysterics when you hear your song on the radio kind of breakups. You probably have some kind of ritual. Mine went like this. Buy pint of Ben & Jerry's along with a bunch of fat fashion magazines. I suspect I ended relationships in August just so I could assuage my pain with September issues. For the non-fashionistas, September issues are those thick paens to Seventh Avenue, filled with lust-inducing clothes and accessories. Bring ice cream, spoon, "Vogue" and self into steaming hot bubble bath. Decide after a few spoonfuls and gaping at some fabulous dress to ditch the ice cream and hit the gym first thing in the morning. Invariably meet another cute guy. Repeat.
Ah, life was simple.
As a fairly recent divorcee, I can tell you frozen desserts, glossies, and bubbles don't go very far when you throw in attorneys and legalese.
No matter who removed the ring first, ending a marriage is like a breakup on steroids. For starters, you probably spent more years married than you did dating that cute Sigma Chi. Lots of water under the bridge. Even if the water was turbulent and choppy and you forgot the life vest. Throw in a couple of kids and you're under extreme weather alert for years to come.
The dying embers of a long-done relationship take years to fully extinguish. Admitting a marriage is over is a process. How did I cope? Writing helped me reconnect with who I am. A whole lot of talking and advice from close friends and family helped with the transition.
Like any difficult experience, I've had my ups and downs. The liberating feeling of being released from a painful relationship is priceless. The sadness when you face down the emotional void which prevailed during the past decade and a half brings the lonelies no ice cream, magazine, or shopping spree can fill.
I've read that getting over a breakup takes half the amount of time spent in a relationship. Following a fifteen plus year marriage, I am hoping that's not the case. I am in a good place. I'm pursuing my passion and talents. I have a wonderfully fulfilling new job as a staff writer on a website. I'm lucky to have some incredible friends. And my heart is filled with love for my daughters.
My advice to Elin and other women post breakup? Give yourself permission to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry. Surround yourself with good friends, favorite books, and an occasional perfect glass of wine. Take care of yourself. Reconnect with your passions. A breakup is a fork in the proverbial road. It's just part of the journey where you get to decide which way to turn.
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